My Advacc classes were canceled due to some emergency my prof has to attend to. I got to school about 1 & a half hour late, haha. Hindi man lang ako nakatapak sa loob ng University ng makasalubong ko ang mga classmates ko palabas, pauwi. Lels. Pumasok pa ko. Sayang effort. Sana pala mas late pa ko nagising para nabasa ko yung text na cancelled ang klase e malapit pa ko sa bahay. Hoho. Katamaran kong taglay. XP
Suddenly, she was crying once again. Half of her was annoyed for being such a crier, and half of her wanted to cry even more, as though the tears that dripped down her cheeks weren’t enough to express all the emotion she was feeling. Upon reaching the sad ending to the lovers’ romance, the lovers whose story she supported for so long in the novel, she longed for the comfort of her own lover’s arms, for the calm kisses on her forehead he would provide, to tell her that she need not cry, nor fear for the same unhappy ending, that she was only reading a piece of fiction that would never become her reality.
“People should not point out their dislike for something as the reason why they fail. When you fail at something, you have no one to blame but yourself. It’s not about the fondness you have in something that lets you succeed. It’s striving to do good even if you don’t like what you’re doing. To do what you can, your best –being committed — in everything you do. Life is imperfect; it does not give us everything we want to have. Things don’t always go the way we want them to be. You must enjoy the things you like, but find a way to finish things that you find challenging even if it’s hard. I’m not an authority here, but I believe that if you would keep that kind of attitude, you would eventually succeed. Be motivated. Persevere. Be determined. No matter how many obstacles come in the way, you must overcome them to achieve your goal. Then, and only then, could you claim true success.”—Riza Ponciano (Rzzzp), Commitment is Eveything (via Blogger)
This day was pretty special. Things happened, and words are said, and it somehow lead me to think of that one thing I can’t seem to let go of, even though it’s been years since I should already have.
I should be making my wishes, like almost everybody, but I want it to be something more.
I wanted to let go, long before the thought of it crossed my mind. I’ve been carrying on, struggling to move on - true, but I still can’t seem to leave behind things that are not worth holding on to. The grudge, the regret, even the pang of guilt. Things have happened and I knew that it could never go back to the way it used to be. I’ve accepted that fact, or so, I’m only thinking that. Because years have gone by but I still catch myself thinking about the things that happened and what I should’ve done to prevent the fallout. I still catch myself thinking about what-ifs, every once in a while.
But every time I carve into my mind that there’s no sense crying over spilled milk, a part of me always says ‘no’.
I can’t help but think that maybe it’s because of the way I lived my life after it. Protected. Inside my own little shell. I’ve never actually given anyone a chance. It’s like there’s always a barrier no matter how close someone could get. Strict business. Friends are only friends. I never found someone new. At least, I never allowed myself to.
I wanted to let go. I wanted to break free from all the memories that are haunting me when I least expect it. I wanted to not always be worried that I’ll be caught off guard and instantly shatter the shell I’ve built from all the self-denial. I wanted to stop cringing whenever I hear the name. I wanted to stop caring whatever they’re doing, whatever they’re up to, and whatever they’re enjoying. I wanted to stop comparing myself - my state, to their’s. I wanted to do things without the hope that he would see that I’m living my life happily and that I’ve become better since he was gone. I wanted to stop living my life, according to their’s, surpassing their’s. i wanted to change every little thing that’s hurting me. I wanted to stop thinking about him, about them. I wanted to start thinking for myself.
It’s foolish. To always hurt myself, punish myself. When all I have to do was do well, and move on. I mean, how hard could that be? Before all of this, I used to think that it’s not really a big deal. But it is, after all. It’s hard. Now I know.
There’s no sense to it, really. I know it’s not it, but most often than not, I think that holding on to the pain was better than not feeling at all. I get the feeling that I never forgot because I never really wanted to. I kept saying that I’m willing, but the truth is, I’m just keeping it all locked up, but still occasionally get it all back up - remembering all of them. But now, it’s different. I wanted to be better.
“Too bad people didn’t fall in love at the same pace, at the same time, for the same reasons, and too bad those emotions didn’t move simultaneously. But each act of madness moved at its own pace, one not dependent on the pace of anyone else. It wasn’t like tandem skydiving, where you were connected as you fell, where you were forced to fall at the same rate and use the same parachute. Falling in love was a solo act. I knew that, had learned that the hard way. You just jumped and hoped your parachute opened. Sometimes you looked up and saw you were falling by yourself, the object of your desire still on the plane, not interested in jumping, watching you descend into that scary place alone.”—Eric Jerome Dickey (the novel Pleasure)
Hindi ko alam kung ako lang… pero napapansin ko na ang tao mas nagiging emosyonal habang lalong lumalalim ang gabi. ‘Yung tipong habang lahat ng bagay na hindi mo naman iniisip at nararamdaman sa umaga, nagpaparamdam sila kapag gabi na na. Kapag madilim na at wala nanag mga taong nakatingin. Kapag wala nang nag-uusap sa paligid. Ang labas tuloy, parang nagsisilbing distraksyon lang lahat ng ingay sa umaga. Hinahanap ng utak mo ‘yung katahimikan para makapag-isip ng maayos, malinaw. Na para bang ‘yun na ‘yung pinakanatural na bagay sa mundo.
Madilim. Tahimik. Minsan nga may kahalo pang kanta sa background. Ito ‘yung mga panahong nakakapagreflect ka sa lahat ng bagay-bagay na hindi mo nabibigyang atensyon dahil sa gulo ng umaga - sa nararamdaman mo, sa mga gusto mong sabihin. Sobrang linaw ng isip mo, kaya lahat ng lumalabas diyan, lahat totoo. ‘Yung mga bagay na natatakpan ng lahat ng distraksyon sa paligid, natatanggal ang maskara.
Kaya minsan, mas magandang kausap ang isang tao ‘pag paumaga na (maliban na lang kung puyat siya at bangag na, ibang usapan na ‘yun). Parang lahat matino, maayos - kahit na emo, at kahit na sensitive. Pero at least, totoo.